Why are relations so hard?
Everyone at one point or another have found themselves reciting this chant when dealing with a break up. I would like to ask why do we take breakups so personally? When you are going through a breakup, do you revisit past conversations to soothe your pain? Do you look for anything to make yourself look good and the other person look bad?
It takes resilience to remain a balanced and loving person during a breakup. One must understand that a breakup is nothing personal. One way we try to cope is by dredging up past hurts, thoughts and feelings to help justify why things are not going the way you want. Women want to know why men become silent, and cannot communicate. Men cannot deal with the constant rehashing of old conversations commonly referred to as “NAGGING”. There are a lot of things that you cannot seem to understand when you are experiencing breakdowns in your relationships. In most relationships, there is a breakdown in communication long before there is a breakup. Sometimes there is a warning sign. Sometimes there is not. The warning signs differs with your personal perspective.
How can a breakdown be good?
A breakdown is an opportunity to really look at what is in your relationship that is not working so that you can take the necessary actions to remedy or fix the problem in a manner that works for both parties. However, you know that a breakup is inevitable when you haven’t taken any action in the breakdown phase. Here is a story of a friend who is going through a breakdown/breakup:
My friend is in the midst of a breakup with her boyfriend. She started our conversation out by describing that she was not having a good day. As she said this, she put on her sunglasses apologized for her feelings and began to cry behind her glasses (Humans never want to look bad not matter what). I told her to cry as I think it best to deal with emotions straight forward. She had just broken up with her boyfriend. They argued and she threw him out of her apartment (they were not living together). Living together was the reason for the argument. She could not understand why he was not moving in with her; this led to feelings of frustration, sadness, and disappointment. That morning she had talked to him for the first time in 5 weeks.
She told me behind sniffles “He loves me but relationships should not have to be this hard.” I handed her my box of Kleenex.
“I love him, why don’t he want to move in with me?” she asked me as she wiped her tears away.
I told her “What we want in life will only happen if we take the necessary actions to have them materialize. What actions did you take to have him move in with you? Did you have a deadline?”
She paused before saying “No, I was waiting on him. He said he did not have the money to move into our space. I said it was okay and I will pay the bulk of the rent. “He said no way.”
Some men no matter how their situations are were not built to live off a woman. Some men just don’t care. No matter how liberal a woman may think she is. Men will still be men. They still insist on pulling their weight.”
“I thought it was his machismo shit” she said.
From my vantage point it seemed a matter of finances was the hold up. He just don’t have the money to make such a move. She would not hear it. She confessed to hearing was what she wanted to hear. Sometimes you are so in LOVE with the idea of being in LOVE that you can not hear what your partner has to say. By no means is there anything wrong with what you want, but you need to take action. What steps was she taking? I asked her if she just talked about it or in the man’s world NAG about it? She realized she did not take any steps or create a deadline. She really just waited/talked/nagged/cried and said “I love you, why it was not going the way I wanted it to go?”.
When you are ready and willing to get straightforward and honest with yourself, you can cast off all the things that numb your mind and have you mentally and physically stuck in your life. She immediately saw where she was not thinking clearly about the situation and was recycling conversations from the past.
More on her story tomorrow.
Noreen Sumpter, Personal Life Coach: works with High Achievers who feel trapped in their private life and helps them build up their personal confidence and self-esteem. By helping you clear mental clutter and dissolve limiting beliefs, you can take deliberate steps, own your voice, speak your truth and have the freedom to Live Life Your Way.
Call 718-834-9450 or e-mail Noreen@NoreenSumpterCoach.com
“There’s POWER in the Dress, Purse, and Stiletto.” ~PGRDresses ®.